KARMA: Reclaiming The 'Self'
I recently lost my ‘self’ to co-dependency.
I function and feel the best when others and relationships are a compliment to my life. All too easily women can become my life. When someone else becomes my primary focus in life, my creative energies dissipate and the connection to my inner being evaporates.
Looking back I’m realizing how I was subtly noticing in the moment how my creative juices were slowly being siphoned off while I was engaging in co-dependent behavior. My co-dependency was emptying me out, and all I had to show for it was a needy relationship.
Of course, this has nothing to do with the other person. No, this was my choice, and has always been the choice I’ve made in relationship.
It seems my karma is to experience one co-dependent relationship after another. I must really need to feel the feelings of co-dependency to wake up.
When I’m embracing my independence I feel absolutely alive and limitless.
When I sink into complacent and comfortable co-dependency I can’t seem to find my connection with Source and my excitement for life dwindles.
This isn’t to say that happy independent people can’t be in close relations with others. Actually it feels to me quite the opposite. I feel when I become more fully rooted in my independence that I will thrive in partnership. As I become more accountable to my ‘Self’ and fall deeper in love with my ‘Self’ I will naturally strike that beautiful balance of healthy interdependence with another.
However, for the time being, fully embracing and melting into aloneness feels wholesome and in alignment for where I am on the path. The feelings of ‘needing’ validation from women and the noisy loneliness that followed when I wasn’t receiving that validation have quieted to a whisper, if I even hear them at all.
I can see how falling into co-dependency time after time is my karma and how my destiny and fate is already determined and decided. Yet I feel the powerful will of self to let go and outgrow my co-dependent patterns, and I can see how it is my karmic destiny to do the same.
Destiny and self-will are not mutually exclusive.
It makes me want to cry and give up now that I can see so clearly how everything about my life, how all outcomes have been determined.
This seeing makes me cry out, “why even try? What’s the fucking point since I can see that it is all done, set in stone and decided?”
While also seeing there is no way I could give up because it is not my karmic destiny to give up! The dilemma is insanity!
It’s like pick one, but they’re both the exact same thing! If I picked nothingness and dwelling permanently in the abyss while sitting on the couch, an undeniable amount of pressure would begin building in my being telling me to MOVE, ACT, CREATE and it would be impossible not to listen.
And if I fully committed to free-will and became determined to accomplish all that I set out to do, Life and God would constantly be reminding me that I’m not really the one choosing. And through direct experience it would be shown to me, that the ‘me’ that ‘thinks’ it’s choosing is a fictitious illusion. And that in truth ‘I’ am just living out my fate.
How to reconcile?
WHO is it that needs to be in complete control for the ride of existence to be worth it? The answer is the EGO, the ‘little me’ the dreamt up illusion that you take to be your ‘self.’
Spirit already knows everything, outcomes, lifetimes, cosmos, universes and existence itself. Ask yourself, if Spirit knows ALL, then why did it choose to incarnate into human form? Of what possible value is it for the eternal to incarnate into the world of form?
The only value there is, ever was, or ever will be is experience for the sake of experience.
That’s it. And when we demand more we will suffer, but that’s okay because suffering IS experience too, so there are no wrong choices. And why do we need more than experience if Spirit doesn’t?
When we feel we need more than what we are currently experiencing it is because we are feeling separate from Source. We tell ourselves, ‘If I could only have that experience, that accomplishment, that person, that object, THEN I would feel connected to Source.’
Experience is INFINITE. It’s no wonder that experience is all Spirit ever needs. WHO demands MORE than experience?
The answer is, the aspects of you that you don’t know how to love yet.
So it’s okay that it’s all happened already, and it’s okay that even though it’s all happened already, that it feels like it is all happening for the first time, even if we have seen behind the veil and know that it’s not.
It can be unsettling to be taking action while having the overarching awareness that ‘I’m not the one choosing, that actually, Life is acting through me and choosing through me and living out a pre-determined destiny through this character that I take to be me.’
Life is living us, and all we are doing is trying to negotiate the movement. We don’t decide anything. While unsettling for the ego, this seeing liberates your consciousness from the egoic perspective. That’s WHY it is unsettling for the ego. The more we are under the spell that we are choosing, the more the ego feels safe and in command. When a knowing appears that undermines that illusion, the ego goes into panic mode.
In truth, the outcomes and destinies are actually the aspects of life that don’t matter at all. We just think that if things happened in a certain way, we would feel better. And maybe we would, until the next thing we needed to happen a certain way went awry.
Then we are right back where we started, with the realizations that outcomes DO NOT MATTER. It is only experience that matters. And how do you enjoy experience to its fullest? Presence.
The easiest way to come back to presence is to feel the pain of being pulled from it. And the quickest way for me to be pulled from Presence is becoming lost to co-dependency.
In this moment it is my destiny and self will to embrace my independence and feel the nourishment from living in alignment with Source. In this moment I am Present.
